The Mama Perspective | Motherhood and Maternal Wellbeing

Feeling like you’ve lost your identity after having children is a completely normal part of matrescence. This post explores why maternal burnout happens and shares three realistic, micro-actions busy mums can take to reclaim their sense of self outside of parenting.

It was a little while ago. The kettle was boiling, the kitchen floor was sticky with dropped toast, yoghurt and fruit, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the microwave reflection. I was wearing pyjamas that that were too big on me but I kept them because they still felt comfortable. My hair was in the usual messy bun, well it was a bun as such but there’s go with that. And it hit me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had a conversation that didn’t involve negotiating sleep or snack choices. 

In that moment between wiping a runny nose and picking up toy cars, it hit me. I love my two boys more than anything. But as I stood there, I realised something else, something as mums, we are rarely allowed to say out loud: I miss me. Other than being their mama/mummy

When you have two children at such a young age, your days are dictated by a relentless, beautiful, exhausting rhythm. You’ll see your organisation skills mastered, knowing what snack is needed from a little look, chef, and the comforter for wiping tears away. But somewhere in the middle of motherhood, the woman I used to be – the one who had hobbies, an identity I didn’t realise back then that I felt more confident about, had quietly slipped away.

If you are reading this while hiding in the bathroom to grab a minute to breath or sitting by your sleeping baby, wondering where you went, I want you remember that the time will come when you will focus on you again. Maybe now is that time. It doesn’t make you a bad mum. You are just experiencing the silent shift of matrescence. But as I’ve written about before on my own journey of rediscovering myself in motherhood, maybe finding yourself again doesn’t mean going back to exactly who you used to be – it means learning how all these new versions of you can exist together.

Why Do I Feel Like I’ve Lost Myself Since Becoming a Mum?

It is the question so many of us secretly type into search bars late at night or early hours of the morning. Take me for example, wondering if it’s normal to feel lost after having a second baby even though he’s my entire world. 

When we step into motherhood and especially when we transition from one child to two, our brain chemistry, social life, and daily schedules undergo big changes. Society expects us to absorb the change, smiling through the burnout because we are “blessed.”

But this couldn’t be further from the truth. There will inevitably be times where mum life feels like a constant battle between surviving or thriving, where everything feels heavy and your mind runs on overdrive keeping track of the endless mental to-do list. This emotional drain isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a symptom of a modern parenting culture that expects mums to give 100% of their identity to their families, leaving 0% for themselves.

We feel lost because our old markers of identity – our careers, our spontaneous social lives, our uninterrupted thoughts, are suddenly replaced by the needs of tiny humans. We become so many seeing to those needs that we forget how to manage our own happiness outside of being a mum. Reclaiming that happiness doesn’t mean you love your children any less; it means you care about your own survival enough to keep a small piece of you not only for yourself but for them too.

Redefining “Me Time”

When we look for advice on how to find ourselves again, the suggestions are often unrealistic. We are told to “book a spa weekend,” “go away for the night,” or “just get more sleep.” But when you are managing a busy household, those massive blocks of free time feel completely out of reach. In fact, trying to plan a massive break often creates more stress and guilt than it relieves.

Reclaiming your identity isn’t about escaping your kids for an expensive weekend away; it is about keeping a piece of your mind just for you while they are right next to you. It means shifting our perspective away from toxic perfectionism and choosing wellness over perfection. Real self-care is built on small lifestyle habits, not adding more pressure to an already overflowing load.

Instead of waiting for a perfect window of time that may never come, we need to focus on small changes we can make in our lives.

3 Realistic Actions to Reclaim Your Identity

1. Protect a 10-Minute “Non-Mum” Hobby

You do not need two hours of uninterrupted silence to connect with who you are. You could focus on just ten minutes. Find the time, whether it’s during a nap time, right after the kids go to bed, or even a solo walk to the bus stop on your way to work with your AirPods in and dedicate it entirely to something that has nothing to do with parenting, cleaning etc. 

• What this looks like for me: writing in a journal or writing a blog post like this one, listening to my favourite playlist, having a cup of tea that stays hot.

2. Reclaim Your Personal Aesthetic

It’s so easy to fall into the “default mum uniform” for convenience. When we spend our days in oversized loungewear and messy buns, it can subtly reinforce the feeling that this is how mums are supposed to look. While practical clothing is a necessity for modern parenting, choosing elements of style can provide a massive psychological boost.

• What this looks like for me: putting on an outfit that makes me feel a bit confident and more girly, even if it’s a day I’m working from home.

3. Set Cognitive Boundaries in Your Social Life

As mums, our brains run on overdrive making mental notes of everything to tick off. When we finally get a chance to interact with other adults, we often default to talking exclusively about our children – their sleep, their milestones, or their recent bump to the head (does it ever end?). While this is natural, it keeps our minds locked in “mum mode.”

• The Practice: ask questions and share thoughts that are completely unrelated to motherhood. Talk about a show you just watched, a career goal you are thinking about, or resort to food (that’s one of my favourites). Give your brain permission to step outside the typical mum conversations.

Here are some FAQs about maternal identity…

Why do mums lose their identity after having children?

Mothers often experience a loss of identity due to a psychological transition called matrescence. During this shift, a mother’s daily schedule, cognitive load, and brain chemistry change rapidly, often causing her pre-mum self to be taken away by the daily never ending role of looking after her children.

Is it normal to feel lost after having a second baby?

I can say from my experience, yes, it is entirely normal to feel lost, overwhelmed, or isolated after having a second child. Moving from one child to two splits your time and attention, which for me increased maternal guilt and leaves almost no room for personal time or your own hobbies. You freeze out the option to consider new hobbies too. 

How can a busy mum find herself again?

A busy mum can reclaim her identity by practicing small habits rather than waiting for large blocks of free time. This could be dedicating 10 minutes a day to a non-parenting hobby, switching off from work, setting firm cognitive boundaries around family scheduling, and wearing clothes that reflect her personal style rather than a “mum mode activated” look.