Week 14 (and a half) postpartum – how’s this week going? Honestly, I’ve been feeling a bit drained. I adore my two boys, of course I do. I’m happy that Freddy is starting his new class at school in reception, and Jack is as smiley as ever. But in reality, the truth, I’m struggling a bit this week. I think I’m still trying to find the balance. Having just survived the six week summer holidays, you’d think days like today would be a breeze. But I think everything’s just hit me at once, you know?
I’m allowing myself to feel how I feel. And in time, things will get better.
Writing helps me to focus
I don’t really know how to describe how I’m feeling. So what do I do when I can’t quite say it aloud? I write. Danny reminded me earlier that I need an outlet for when I’m feeling sad, stressed, worried, and even when I’m happy too because it’s important to have something that I can kinda escape in and enjoy. So, here I am writing away as the words come to my mind and typing them into this post.
The past few days I’ve woken up, opened my eyes and thought, “It’s another day, here we go…” in nothing but a positive mindset. Yet, somehow, feelings get the better of me. I’m not entirely sure it’s one thing that triggers me but rather everything at once – needing to make sure everything’s done, the never ending list, loving and caring for my children and husband. Some might say not everything needs to done but for me, it does. I can’t leave mess all the time. I can’t leave washing to mount up. I did tree washes the other day and the next, it was full again.
In order to be the mum and wife that I want to be, I have to be organised. Yeah, I have the odd day when I’m less active and I know that’s okay.
Some days I have it altogether – mostly! I’ll be out and about, everything feels good, happy, free. And other days, I feel like I could fall apart. You see, that’s the thing about motherhood, you’re not supposed to have it together 24/7. How could you? You’re human.
Being there for my kids is what matters and some days if that means a few tears, back into my pyjamas, and being fuelled by coffee, so be it. I’ve never been one to glamorise motherhood. I love it, and it’s the best thing to ever happen to me but it isn’t the only part of me.
I have feelings just like anyone else and anyone who’s a mum understands the up and down battle it takes to be a mum.
Reflecting on my first postpartum journey
It’s funny – not in a “haha” way – that I felt similar to this around this time during postpartum after giving birth to Freddy too. And now with Jack, it’s like a reminder that just because it happened before doesn’t mean it can’t happen again. I am stronger but I’m also allowed to feel sad, frustrated, a little lost. I’m not pressuring myself to be the perfect mum or pretending to be in front of anyone or any social platform. That isn’t real life. It isn’t always easy but it’s the most heartwarming feeling for the most part. You’ll only understand that when you’ve felt it too.
Sometimes I want to be alone – not in a sad way- not in a worrying way – just time to be me without a baby needing my attention or four year old demanding snacks. And it can take sitting in pure quietness to feel my calm sometimes.
It’s almost the weekend and I’m hoping to feel a little more upbeat again. But for now, I’m taking things slow and listening to my body. Even though I’ve been feeling the way I have, I know I’m okay because I have my husband and my boys. And that’s something I’ll always hold on to.
The Mama Perspective | Mum Blog 
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