I’m not sure where to start with this post so I’ll just write what comes to me as I go along. For a while now, maybe a couple a months, I haven’t been feeling myself. I’ve debated whether to go back to therapy but I kept telling myself it’s too soon because I finished my first lot of therapy in February this year.
Am I a failure? I thought I was better, why do I feel low again? Why can’t I cope without therapy? Do I need to be stronger?
The truth is, I’ve started to realise that admitting I need help, doesn’t mean I’m weak. I mean, I need to tell this to myself on repeat to believe it but I need someone to talk to – who will listen and help me understand what’s going on. I have a circle of people around me who care but sometimes the extra step is needed.
I thought I would have more time to be that person who got through therapy before and can fight her own battles, mentally and physically. That’s not how it’s going though. I wouldn’t say I’m in as bad of a place as last year but my triggers have got the better of me. And I’m not willing to ignore them before I start to lose myself and affect the people I love the most.
Right now, I can’t really explain how I feel, other than that something feels off. I’m struggling to stop myself from crying most days, and I can easily think of something sad to make me feel low. I might not be reacting in the right way but I’m recognising it and I’m trying to work on it.
If there’s one thing my therapist taught me the first time round, it’s how to recognise when you’re falling into a darker place, whether it be through self sabotage or a traumatic event. I’ll never forget my first session face-to-face session when I was asked, “Have you ever been through trauma, Natasha?” to which I answered no. Fast forward nine months to February this year, I finished therapy with a letter to my GP explaining my symptoms of anxiety and depression alongside PTSD. Since a young age, I’ve always thought things were just in my head. And to be honest, I do have an awful habit of expecting the worst at times but what I felt and feel every day is real, just like you reading this post. It’s so easy to disregard your own feelings but be there to help another person.
I find that when my mental health worsens, I remind myself of all the precious people in my life and everything I have to treasure. But when I’m telling myself I’m okay as I feel sad for reasons I don’t know of right now, I beat myself up as I wonder if now is the time to be struggling. Isn’t it my responsibility as a wife, mum, daughter, and a friend, to look out for the people closest to me? It is but perhaps I also need to look out for me too.
So many mental health conditions including anxiety and depression can be misinterpreted. Just because some people are starting to talk more than others, doesn’t mean it’s just something you should have to go through. What one person goes through, isn’t the same for another. One person’s coping mechanisms don’t work the same as they do the others. And what’s traumatic for me, might not be traumatic for you, and vice versa.
So, here’s to attending therapy again, to help me change perspective. I remember how much of an emotional rollercoaster it was before but also one of the best things I’ve ever said yes to. I’m positive it’ll be the same this time round. Last time, I made the decision to focus on what was a priority but this time, I think I’ll be focusing on the parts of myself I haven’t ever really got to grips with.
I’m so grateful to have support around me from Danny, family, and friends. I want to do my best to show them that I don’t ever want them to feel taken for granted or disregard the little things they do to make smile. Especially Danny, who took a drive to go and get me a hot chocolate and a bar of chocolate last night when I was feeling off. I know, I’ve married the right man, haven’t I?!
I’ll be back soon to share my experience of therapy the second time round.
