Motherhood changes you. Everyone tells you that before your baby arrives. They tell you about the sleepless nights, the first smiles, the cuddles, the milestones, and the kind of love you never knew existed.
What they don’t always tell you is that somewhere amongst all of that, you might lose sight of yourself.
Not all at once, just slowly. So slowly that one day you realise you can’t remember the last time you did something simply because you wanted to. You can’t remember the last time you finished a cup of tea while it was still warm, watched a programme without interruption, or sat in silence without your mind racing through tomorrow’s to-do list.
Motherhood doesn’t just become part of your identity. It becomes almost all of it.
Every morning starts with someone needing you before you’ve even had a chance to wake up properly. Tiny voices calling your name. Breakfast to make. Clothes to find. Lunches to pack. Nappies to change. Arguments to settle. Endless washing. Endless tidying. Endless reminders.
And somehow, in between all of that, you’re expected to remember birthdays, book appointments, school events, make memories, stay patient, look after yourself, maintain relationships, work if you have a job, and still smile when someone asks how you’re doing.
It’s a lot. There’s no clocking off from motherhood. Even when the children are asleep, your mind isn’t. You’re thinking about tomorrow, worrying if they’re eating enough, wondering if they’re happy, replaying conversations, folding washing, answering messages you’ve ignored all day, and trying to catch your breath before it all starts again.
Sometimes I catch my reflection and wonder when I started looking so tired.
Not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. There are days when I feel like I’ve spent every ounce of myself making sure everyone else is okay, only to realise I haven’t asked myself that same question.
Am I okay? The truth is, I don’t always know. I love my children more than I could ever put into words. They are the greatest joy of my life. But loving motherhood doesn’t mean every part of it feels easy. Those two things can exist together. I think that’s something we need to say more often.
Somewhere along the way we’ve created this idea that if you admit motherhood is hard, you’re somehow admitting you’re ungrateful.
You’re not. You can be deeply grateful for your children while still acknowledging that motherhood asks more of you than you ever imagined.
You can love every tiny person in your home with your whole heart and still miss the woman you were before everyone needed a piece of you.
I miss the version of me who had hobbies that didn’t just involve cleaning. The version of me who could make plans and not feel guilty about it, and had thoughts that weren’t constantly interrupted by someone asking for a snack.
I even miss the little things. Listening to music without someone talking over it. Having a shower without hearing cries or chaos Walking through a supermarket without rushing because someone is tired, hungry or sitting in the trolley asking how much longer.
These things sound so small until they’re no longer yours. Motherhood is made up of thousands of invisible moments that nobody applauds. The mental lists. The emotional toll.
It’s carrying the weight of an entire household inside your head while pretending it’s all manageable. And because so much of it is invisible, it can feel lonely. People see the smiling family photos. They don’t see the mum who stayed awake worrying. They don’t see the tears cried in the bathroom after everyone has gone to bed.
They don’t see the exhaustion that reaches deeper than needing one good night’s sleep. Sometimes what I crave isn’t a weekend away or an expensive spa day. Sometimes I just want half an hour where nobody needs anything from me. No questions or decisions to be made.
No one calling my name from another room. Just enough silence to hear my own thoughts again. Because somewhere underneath “Mum” is still me. She’s quieter these days. She doesn’t get as much attention. But she’s still there.
And I think she deserves to be remembered.
I don’t believe becoming a mother means we stop being individuals. I think it simply becomes harder to find space for that individual amongst everything motherhood demands.
Maybe that’s why so many mums feel guilty when they want time alone. We’ve convinced ourselves that good mums should always be available. Always patient. Always grateful. Always giving.
But no one can pour endlessly from an empty cup. We need rest. We need hobbies.
We need conversations that aren’t about children. We need moments that remind us we’re still people with dreams, interests, opinions and identities outside of motherhood.
Looking after ourselves doesn’t take away from our children. It gives them a version of us that isn’t running on empty.
One day they won’t need me to help put their shoes on or cut up their dinner. One day the constant cries of “Mummy” or “Mama” will become less. One day I’ll probably miss the chaos that currently overwhelms me. But I don’t think that means I have to pretend this part of motherhood isn’t hard while I’m living it.
Motherhood isn’t one thing. It’s everything. And sometimes, everything all at once.
So if you’ve been feeling like you’ve disappeared beneath the weight of caring for everyone else, I hope you know you’re not alone.
You haven’t failed because you’re tired. You haven’t failed because you miss pieces of your old life. You haven’t failed because sometimes you wish someone would look after you for a change.
You’re carrying one of the biggest, most demanding, and most important roles there is.
Maybe today is a reminder for you and for me, that we matter too. Not just as mums. Not just as partners. Not just as the ones who hold everything together. But as women. As individuals. As people who deserve care, kindness and space to exist beyond the endless list of things that need doing. Because motherhood should never mean losing yourself completely.
It should mean growing into someone new while still holding on to the parts of yourself that make you, you.
The Mama Perspective | Motherhood and Maternal Wellbeing 