World Mental Health Day earlier this week got me thinking about a topic to talk about. I started to write this post but never got round to finishing it until now. I’ve been through a number of challenges that have affected me mentally. Mixed anxiety and depression, along with PTSD have been outcomes towards the end of assessments and two lots of therapy. However, on my second time attending therapy, I decided to focus on something I’ve thought about before but kinda left untouched – self esteem.
There was a photo on my Instagram archive this week from 3 years ago. This photo was a slimmer, more confident, and happy version of myself. The truth is, I was battling a lot of self esteem challenges back then and I have been since before I was a teenager. Maybe it started when I was bullied in my second year of high school. Whatever the reason, low self esteem has a habit of creeping up on me still all these years later. It’s as though comments from name calling and messages have been embedded into my brain permanently. And then there’s me who plays the part that picks little things apart.
No matter if my husband or my mum tells me I’m beautiful, I still have times where I struggle to accept how I see myself. I’m guilty of putting the gym off and snacking but I should still be able to love my body for how it is, right?
I think it’s easy to self-criticise, whether it be something you think you could’ve done better or picking out all the little things you don’t like about how you look when you see yourself in the mirror. I remember one of my sessions in therapy – I had some homework – to write down the evidence for and against, for any negative thoughts I had about myself. In one column I wrote: “I look big in this T-shirt I’m wearing today”. And in the ‘evidence for’ I put ‘the mirror’. Both my therapist and me had a little giggle about it BUT neither of us ignored that it’s so easy to go to the side of your brain that has the negative outlook on things.
More recently I’ve discovered – through life lessons and two lots of therapy – that I’m still me. Although I might weigh more, not look glamorous every day or pull of the ‘natural look’, I’m doing my best at trying to lose myself and that starts with feeling happy. Especially on the inside because everyone will see what they see; what matters the most is how I feel about myself.
Whenever the perception of myself starts to differ again, I remember all the positive things my family and my therapist have told me. And although I can’t completely erase all the negative thoughts I’ve had about myself including how I look or self doubt in my ear trying to hold me back from what I can achieve, I can always embrace being me. And doing that means I’m doing my best.
Change can be a good thing and I’m glad that I’ve come out on the stronger side. Challenges and tough conversations have got me to where I am today. I am getting there with recognising my worth
There are lots of links and advice I could share with you but one thing I recommend, is the Mind website. There’s lots of information and resources on self esteem to help you take the steps to start to feel better about yourself. Also, it’s worth reading up Esteem under Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
The Mama Perspective 