After being on antidepressants (Citalopram) for two years last month, I’ve made the decision to try to wean off them. It isn’t the first time. I tried earlier this year but that didn’t go to plan, turns out you can’t plan for it to be honest. There goes the planner and organiser in me! If you know me, you know!
You might think you’re in a better state of mind but sometimes you have to listen to your body if it’s battling change. Some people decide to stay on antidepressants for much longer time, it’s whatever works for each person. This post is about my experience in the hope it’ll help others who are thinking to make the same decision or if that time comes in the future.
The first time I tried to come off antidepressants, I was on a higher dose, and I experienced a lot of headaches and feeling dizzy. I think I was trying to set myself a deadline to ‘be ready’. I know that might sound daft to some people but my mind was telling me that because I had recently got married and I should start a fresh. Oh I was wrong. In fact, I ended up back in psychological therapy in August. It was obvious when I got into my sessions that there was a part of me that I left untouched. A side that I needed to heal.
Some people have the idea that therapy, cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) in this instance, makes everything go away or when it’s done, “it’s done”. But that’s not how it goes at all. It takes a lot of strength to go to therapy, to stick at it, and to attend appointments when you’re feeling dazed out mentally and physically. Going to therapy isn’t just about talking; it’s building trust to be open with your therapist; it’s completing homework; it’s facing things that you thought might have been buried in the past, and much more.
For me, antidepressants was never an option in the past. I never really considered myself to need any kind of diagnosis and just considered myself to be a worrier. Two years later, I’ve been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression, PTSD, and more recently moderate depression. Neither are easy to hear, right?
I want to clarify being depressed doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate or love the people around you. It’s feeling empty and lost when you’re trying to give your all but it isn’t good enough. It’s feeling so mentally drained that you cry and steer clear from socialising with anyone, even stepping outside to the corner shop. And on the days where you do have to face people, like at work, appointments, whatever it might be, a smile can hide so much.
What does it mean to be okay? I think out of politeness we just want to shrug our feelings off and carry on with day. Being busy does keep me occupied, and maybe it’s the same for you. The distraction from the side of your brain that takes over feels good. But it’s knowing that it’s going to come back that’s the difficult part.
For me, choosing to take antidepressants, wasn’t just about ‘feeling low’. It was an option for me to consider to help make me better for myself and of course, my husband and son. And my experience of being on them has been really positive. Honestly, after a few weeks to a month, I noticed that I wasn’t crying every day and I found myself in a different state of mind.
It’s hard coming away from therapy and antidepressants, especially when they’ve been a part of the majority of the last two years. But I am going to try. I’m not making promises that I’ll be okay. Just yesterday, I felt irritable, sad, and confused, it was obvious that the withdrawals from the medication hit me.
I’ve learned so much this year – the most significant thing being – that people don’t have to understand. They won’t always get it but it helps if there’s a handful or even one person who will listen. You can’t always plan or predict the future. There will be losses and gains. But it’s how we get the strength to get through it and pick ourselves back up. It isn’t easy which is why I think it’s important to get help without the taboo surrounding the matter of mental health.
Now, I know the signs to look out for when I’m going into a depressive mode or feeling anxious about the future. I try to take myself into a different environment, and if that means just stepping to the front door or garden for fresh air, then that’s what I’ll do. Some days are more draining than others, I’m sure we all get that. I’m trying to take a new approach and find the positives in each day.
So, as I continue to come off antidepressants, I’m telling myself there are brighter days ahead. I’m done beating myself up. My journey has been filled with growth and resilience and it’s taught me how my past and present have shaped me into the person I am today.
We’re approaching the new year, again, where we all say, “I can’t believe how fast time has gone.” Let’s make that time count.
